Inner Strength

inner-strength-1

Living with pain for 5 yrs. not understanding whats happening to your body. Feeling your strength has turned into weakness. Starting to fall on your face an push yourself back up with no help. Learning the only person that can help you is yourself. Confusion running through your mind, why what is happening?
One of the biggest questions that you ask yourself everyday an trying to find the answer. I use to work 40 to 50 hrs. a week doing six different jobs in one day running around like the energizer bunny. Nobody could keep up with my pace an getting the job done. I got compliments from my boss all the time about how dependable I was. Then after work I would go home clean an cook an get things organized . I was always on the go an non stop. Have two little girls that kept me on my toes an use up the rest of the energy I had. Life was running an going by so fast it go to the point to were it was hard to keep up. Something happened an everything had started to come to a halt.
I wanted so bad to understand what was going on. I was getting sick all the time, an out of no where my body would start hurting. Nothing could get me down though even though I was hurting an sick I pushed through. I wasn’t giving up I was tough an hard headed you couldn’t tell me anything. Next I knew stuff started going wrong with my stomach an my digestive system was messing up. I was losing weight an not able to keep any food down, constantly nauseated an running to the bathroom. Think the toilet became my best friend anymore. I got tired of it an finally went back to the doctor an had to have test done. The acid in my stomach, the amount of test that had to be done, being put on meds to help me from vomiting. An then being told there is nothing else they can do.
Wow the words from a doc. that has just given up on me. Feeling nothing but loss hope an tears running down my face. I knew that this was only the beginning for me. Thats didn’t stop me I started to feel better an went back to work. Trying to get myself back on track. After having my youngest daughter Kelsey the problems only got worse. The pregnancy was difficult ending up in the emergency room because of complications an bleeding. The pain the back labor which is what I had in my last trimester. This was not something I looked forward to. She was born a healthy baby with some deformities, but was so beautiful you couldn’t even tell. I felt so much pain from the delivery to trying to recoup . It all started full blown for the pain was now ten times worse then it had been before. It was back to the testing an medicine an going to meet another specialist. Had to have a Laproscopy done to make sure everything was okay, because I was experience way to much pain. They thought I had Endometrosis, but they could not find the lesion’s . Everything looked normal of course, but I knew it wasn’t for something was wrong they just couldn’t find it. I didn’t understand what was happening to me.
Then the headaches, the stomach problem’s , the pain, started falling again only this time I had no strength to pick myself up. The tears were awful from what I was facing an about to go through by myself. I finally started losing count of the amount of physicians an appointments I had with each one was. It was starting to piss me off an I would start arguing with my Doctor. Then would get second opinions with more test an medicine. It had all became trial an error an hopelessness. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed an cry under the cover’s . I finally crashed all my strength was gone. I had nothing left to push myself with.
Everything started to irritate me an make me cry. I started to lose friends an family, ended up making rash decision’s , an feeling so alone. My view of people changed an I would start to observe everything people would do around me. I put my guard up an decided it was time for me to do stuff on my own. There were morning’s I couldn’t get out of bed because I felt so awful, but what was I to do I had a newborn baby girl that needed her momma . I would talk to myself an ask for the strength an ability to get out of bed. It was hard but I wasn’t giving up on myself . It was a struggle sometimes I would have to call someone to help me an help me take care of her. Being sick an taking care of a baby with deformities you had to be like super momma. I know if I could do it then any mom out there would be capable of it. Never doubt yourself an the things that you know you can do. Taking care of my daughter came from inner strength within myself. Remember to believe in yourself an even though we struggle we are very strong indivuals an we all have inner strength to help us fight.
It felt the more I pushed myself the worse I was starting to feel off an on. I still made myself work, my daughter was getting older it was time for me to work again. Well that’s what I thought was best anyway. Until one night my legs gave out on me an I fell, it was out of no where I was embarrassed an helped by co workers down to my bosses desk to sit. It took a good while for me legs to finally get feeling back in them, then it decided to move to my arms. I was so scared an confused what was happening to me? The question came about again, I wanted more answers an test done.
Then finally I met with a doctor that wanted to help me an sent me to pain specialist. I had test done an found out that I had Intercystial cystitis, PFD, Vulvadyonia an I was started to recieve the answer’s on why I was having so much pelvic pain. More test needed to be done though for the numbness an tingling it was time to see a neurologist. The neurologist did some physical test one me an started talking to me about myofascial pain an Fibromyalgia. It even started ti make sense the more he was talking to me about both diagnoses. I suddenly turned in to this informative patient an started to research everything there was to know about what I could be feeling.
He then said to me that it’s time ti see a rheumotologist an he will do the same test an ask questions to you. I was then diagnosed with Fibromyalagia on March 2012, everything I had was falling under this one diagnoses. All I could do was cry an wonder what was next for me… Even though I had my questions answered finally a part of me was still puzzled an so much was going through my mind. The more research I started to do the more I started to understand an try to accept this change that I was facing. I got back into contact with all my physicians because I felt it was time they new the answers to what I had all this time an that I would have it for the rest of my life. How could one word turn my whole life upside down? I started to face facts an realized that no matter what I had that I wasn’t going to let it control my life. I have the strength to fight this illness, I’m not letting it beat me an neither should you. We may have Fibro, but Fibromyalgia does not define who we are!

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