Author: suellfamily

Late Nights…

Most people do not know that I struggle with fibromyalgia. Chronic deliberating pain that often makes it impossible for me to complete simple things….like combing my hair and buttoning a shirt.

I received the diagnosis of Fibro and borderline Lupus in the military after being in for 16 years.  Just like many others, I thought my persistent pains and aches were just a part of the toll of running, numerous deployments and working in difficult enviroments. After 2 days of intense all over pain, my doctor informed me that my body was undergoing a major change. There was no cure and that my symptoms would get  worse as I got older.   I begin to realize that “late nights” would take on a different meaning for me.

My love/hate relationship  with my body began shortly after that. “I will fight this!” I vowed. I didn’t realize how hard the battle would be. After retirement, I continue to exercise and eat right. My body fought back…with a vengeance. Reminding me that no matter how hard I tried, It would always be ahead of me in the race. Always one lap ahead of me…the only thing I could do is try to catch up.  To keep running!

My laps are never easy. My body gives me signs and symptoms when a pain flare is about to occur. My body warns me of impeding rain, I plan accordingly. It tells me when I have been on the go too many days in a row, I take a day of rest.  It warns me when I am stressed, I plan a solace …

I bargain with my body daily. Some days I win, and some days I lose….never graciously. My defeats  come with intense stiffness, excruciating pain, sleepless nights, light sensitivity, pain and memory issues  Some flares last for a couple of hours to several days. My pain is worse at night, when I am alone and the world is fast asleep.  Late nights curled up in a ball under a heated blanket filled with insomnia and pain. Some nights  I have often sat outside watching the stars….praying….waiting on the sun.

When I wake up, I feel like a new person….literally I am.

My ability to push through my pain daily keeps others wondering.  I look great on the outside, but  Im constantly trying to keep up. My high pain tolerance level allows me to operate normally on a pain level that many would have to seek medical attention for.

My trips to the ER  come every 4 to 6 months. The nights when I can no longer find a home remedy to bring my pain level down. Over the counter meds, epson salt baths, yoga , exercise and meditation lose their strength.  I become immune to regular pain relievers . Even prescribed narcotics cease to dull my pain.  I sit for endless hours in an ER to receive a shot that lulls me into a peaceful state.

It is during this time, I often mentally battle with my ability to continue on this journey. It is during this time I understand how many people with chronic pain have opted for the presumed “easier way out.”

I’m grateful my spirituality  prevails and the morning brings a joy!  I count my blessings after late nights and I am truly thankful….thankful that Im not confined to a bed or a wheelchair. Thankful that I know that each  flare will pass….eventually.

Thankful to see the sun peek through, reminding me that I  made it through to another beautiful day.  Thankful that through it all, I’m still running…

If you are struggling with any pain, whether physical or mental.I pray  you find the strength to wait on the sunrise.

Peace, Love & Empowerment



Fighting through the fog..

Favim_com-18493So this weekend I was able to reflect on many things and reflect I did…Unfortunately I was admitted to the hospital on Saturday. I have battled fibromalaygia for 7 years and often the chronic pain I experience is unbearable! I am always in pain, however some days, I have what is referred to as a flare. My children often push me to go to the ER on my  worst days and this weekend I obliged…even though I knew it would not be pretty…My intense pain is always met with a shot…in my hip.  Its not fun as you can imagine, but I have pushed through for many years.

This weekend, I felt different…the doctor informed me that I would be staying over night, because my blood pressure was low. Needless to say over night, turned into a weekend and I reflected….Although I often keep my struggles private…I  have learned that crosses can not be beared alone and as I sat in the hospital bed…several reminders were dropped into my spirit.

I thought back over my life, my journey, my accomplishments and I was reminded about all I have given and done for others over my time here on earth…its been too much too count. I was reminded that I must take a little more time for me..I was reminded that I was expendable and also informed that I was not getting any younger. Reminded that some things are not that important and that some people are very important!

Reminded that I must not continue to give until I am depleted…My 2015 resolution was once again dicphered and I analyzed it well.   I fought through the fog of fibro and will continue to fight…

I was thankful for the family and friends who checked up on me.. the ones who reminded me of all the “reminders” I often forget about,,,grateful for the texts and phone calls.

This post is simply a reminder to each of you that life is simply what you make it…live it and live it well, beacuse you only have one and that “one” is valued by many.

Peace, Love & Empowerment


Late night visits…

Young Woman Thinking

This past weekend, fibro quickly reminded me that it was one up on me….leading at the half. A gloomy rainy day brought aches and pains in the form of back and shoulder spasms. Out of the blue they attacked me! I was calmly trying to medicate the rest of my aching body when the spasms hit about two in the morning. My usual hot bath did not relieve my pain…so I trudged to the ER. My battle was only made worse by the long walk I had to make from the parking area to the ER in the rain. I was soaked when I arrived at the desk, with my ID in hand. I must have resembled a wet squirrel, because the lady at the desk gave me a sympathetic look and said, “You need to see the doctor.” She then took my ID and motioned for me to have a seat….several minutes later she brought me a hot cup of cocoa. She patted my hand, like a mother, and said. “It will be okay…it will get better.”  I wanted to say something …but I couldn’t even speak through my pain.

I sat there stiff and curled up….wishing that I could just take a nice warm nap.  The desk clerk pushed a wheelchair around for me when my name was called. By the time I was requested to come back…I couldn’t even walk. Somehow she knew I needed assistance. I was ushered through the normal routine…prodded, poked and asked a million questions about my chronic pain.  I was soon provided a quick relief through a shot in the hip! It stung for 15 seconds and soon lulled me into a nice peaceful state.  After several more exams, I was then given a concoction of Vicodin, muscle relaxers and more pain meds and told to take it easy.   I wish I could….

I walked past the desk and smiled at the lady who served me cocoa and she stated that I looked like a total different person.  Ewww I thought, yeah fibro pain will definetly change your features. I trudged back through the rain to my car and made my way back home at about 4 am in the morning.

Exhausted from my late night visit…I still couldnt sleep…..

Monday morning, my usual followup with the doctor was a tad bit different. She stated that the ER nurse was a friend of hers and had told her about my late night visit. I shook my head and smiled sightly

“She struggles with fibro as well” she said after my nonchalant response…

ahhhhh I thought, hence she understands……

Makes me wonder, if people with fibro have a certain look… or if the warrior within just recognizes another fighter…

Peace, Love & Empowerment



Cute prissy shoes…

So today I’m headed out on the town…a night with my girlfriends! Haven’t done this in a while so I think we’ll go somewhere special, perhaps a movie or out to dinner. Then we will rendezvous at Tracey’s, hang up all night and talk about our lifes, our loves, our families and our shopping escapades. Eat chips and dip, a slice of cheesecake and watch a girly flick, like “Waiting to Exhale” or “Eat, Pray, Love.”

I’ve picked out just the right outfit, some skinny jeans and my favorite blouse. I’ve snatched the makeup stash from my daughter, trimmed my brows and played with a color or two. I like the bronze because it accents the highlights in my hair. My lips are painted gold with a little brown liner to give it just enough pop….I think…

I rummage through my closet looking for the match to my favorite shoes…I dig through the bottom of the closet in search of the ones that are more comfy. Perhaps I will be adventurous and wear the strappy ones! Yeah, the ones I brought at Burlingtons last year….at the after Christmas sale! The ones my daughter said were “too prissy” for her taste!

Ah there they are, tucked snugly in the corner, under my box of hats with the tags still attached. I tug at the straps to slide them on and smile with glee. They still fit, I smile…yes they do still fit…

I take two supermodel strides past the mirror, admiring the view and sit down on the side of my bed….I sigh…
Im exhausted, tired and in pain….
Ten minutes into my routine, I no longer have the strength or desire to exit my room, let alone my home! I dont answer the calls from my girlfriends, I simply text and say…”I have a headache..” I hope they’ll understand, I havent the patience or energy to try and explain…again.

So here I am…snuggled up to my pillow…with my cute prissy shoes on with the price tag still attached!

The pain of fibromyalgia has won yet again…but somehow between the aches and pain, I manage to muster a smile as I look down at my new prissy shoes……..cause they still fit!

Peace, Love & Empowerment

(Picture courtesy of blogspot)prom-shoes-2012-purple-chiffon-heels