As I’m sitting here, monitoring my work emails from home (AGAIN), I find myself wanting to scream in frustration at my lot in life. I’m finding that trying to balance my bipolar symptoms, my fibro symptoms, my tarsal tunnel symptoms, my full time job, my marriage, and visits with my children is a journey in compassion, forgiveness, and letting go.
I’ve begun to explore deeper mediation practices and am diving into Pema Chodron’s books (http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/biography.php) . Her writings about what she’s learned from her root guru Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche have been particularly enlightening. I’m learning that I can be compassionate towards myself and work within my limitations, whatever they happen to be on any particular day. I’m learning that I can forgive myself for my worldly transgressions (while I’m aware that I can, I’m still struggling with whether or not I’m deserving of such forgiveness). I’m learning to let go of at least some of the things that I constantly churn around in my mind.
After about a week of feeling really decent, to be shut down physically today, feels a little like I’ve let myself down (and everyone else that’s counting on me to do my part today). So I turn to Pema and her writings to soothe my heart and mind, to learn compassion towards myself. I will forgive myself for this situation that is beyond my control and let the tension leave my body. I will let go of those expectations that, for today, are beyond my physical capabilities, and hope for a better tomorrow.
I leave you with an excerpt from the Shambhala website on Pema Chodron’s talk about compassion (you can find the complete text of this talk here: http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/compassion.php):
“Wishing to be free of that kind of really self-imposed loneliness, self-imposed suffering that we create with our minds. The fact that our house burns down is not self-imposed. The fact that we get an illness isn’t self-imposed. What we do with that and how that escalates into such intense misery and feeling of separateness and feeling of aloneness and alienation. This, we do this with our minds. We do it to ourselves. We torture ourselves.”
I wish you all to be free of what torments you. I wish you love, healing, and compassion.