Okay, so yesterday at church we had a guest preacher, one we have had before, from India. At the end of the service, he always invites people to come for prayer. So when he called for people to come who needed healing my hubby took me up (even though I didn’t want to go, I’d explain but it’s too hard). After I got prayed for my husband was really crying and I realized just how much this awful disease affects my whole family, not just me. It is good to know someone really cares though.
And afterward I had mixed feelings – I want to be healed, but am I? I have been prayed for before (once my fatigue did go into remission for a year and a half other times nothing happened). So this morning when I got up, I was testing the waters, so to speak, waiting to see what would happen. Shortly my ribs began to ache as they have been doing, so it’s not gone. What puzzled me was how I felt about it, sort of relieved, but that would be dumb, so I kept trying and trying to figure it out. What is the feeling?
But finally I realized what it was, not that I had “made friends” with my fibro and wanted it to linger, but the fear that it might not be gone so I suppose the relief I felt was somehow related to NOT giving in to hope that it might be alright. Sad but true. 😦