Never did I think this is what life would be like, but also never did I see myself having children. It’s funny my mom use to tell me when I was a little girl I would always tell her “Momma I’m never having kids I’m going to adopt” Only if I would have stuck with that haha ! Childbirth is not something I ever planned on going through, but amazingly I had two beautiful little girls I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.
Doesn’t mean guilt didn’t set in even though I was blessed with these wonderful children. I had trouble tending to them an caring for them, beating myself up daily was the only thing I felt I could do anymore I wasn’t good enough for them an they deserved so much better. Well that’s what I felt anyways especially being called a bad mother, nothing but lazy, an judged by people I thought loved an cared for me. Enough was enough an myself as a mother had to make one of the hardest decisions an mother would ever make. I let my girls go live with there dad’s someone who could tend to them an do more then I could. My life was in shambles I lost everything an felt worse then I did before. I thought it was the right choice doing the best for my girls, which in the end it was , but in my eye’s it wasn’t. I cried because I missed out on so much an lost time with my girls that I will never get back.
Being sick in 2007 wasn’t in my plans neither my doctor’s feel that everything kicked in after giving birth to my youngest daughter. I had complications through my pregnancy with her,as she did when she was born. With deformities to her face , torticolis in her neck , an mis shape of her head. I blamed myself everyday for what she was going through even though the doctor’s told me I didn’t do anything. I pushed myself an made sure my youngest daughter got whatever help she needed. What hurt the most was I was starting to get sick an feel completely awful everything was starting to slip.
Between vomiting, nausea, fatigue, weakness in my body, headaches an more things then I could wrap my head around. I pushed an pushed to be there for my youngest no matter how I felt. Through out my girls growing up I tried to do so much for them. I would struggle taking them anywhere, or being able to do anything with them. It started to no become an option anymore I felt like I was withering away. I would push myself an work a full time job until I couldn’t handle it anymore just to get enough money to get them what they needed or wanted. On top of trying to be there for my girls no body made it easy. From hearing comments n comments from others, an arguing with there father’s an trying to make ends meet I was judged by so many. It knocked me down an I couldn’t fight it anymore. It took me hitting rock bottom for me to realize I had to take care of myself before I could give my girls the life they deserved.
Have you ever heard that saying “If an airplane was about to crash your breathing mask fell in front of you an your child, Which one would you put on first yours or your child’s?” The answer would be yours , because in order to put the mask on your child you have to be able to breath by putting yours on first. In other words you have to put yourself first or you will be useless to others. For three years that’s what I did for the sake of myself an my girls. My health was getting worse an more test were being done. I finally got a diagnoses or more like more then one diagnoses, but they were all falling under the one called Fibromyalgia.After getting the diagnoses did not make me feel better like some people. I was ready for more answers an finding out more to this monster that took over me, an jeopardized so much. Finding out the name of this Illness Fibromyalgia an reading more about it started to give me so hope. Then there was no more left when the doc looked at me an said ” Ms. Whittinghill we don’t know the cause, or have a cure for it right now but here are some pills to take the edge off.
I balled an cried an when my youngest daughter came to me after age 4 an asked “Mommy why are you always sick?” “or why can you not play with me like daddy does?” There were so many questions coming out of her mouth. All I could say was mommy hurts a lot like when you get boo boo’s . Then I explained that everybody is different were not all the same . I didn’t really know how to explain this to her, it was killing me inside. I then pointed to all the places that I hurt an about me being sick all the time “she then said mommy I’ll kiss all your boo boo’s an make you feel better ” With tears running down my face that little girl right then an there gave me my strength an my hope to everyday living. It didn’t matter what people said to me anymore even though I had made one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make I knew my girls still loved me . I then started to think of things that we could do together that my body could handle. We would sit on the floor an play toy’s, Color in coloring books , play table games , video games, an when mommy wasn’t feeling well she would get in my arms an cuddle with me an we would watch t.v. together. My youngest is so sweet an understanding we have learned to take care of each other.
I know this sounds crazy I never wished for this honestly don’t like to be going through it , which I’m sure you all feel the same. Before I got sick though stopping an smelling the flower’s was not an option for how busy I was, Taking life for granted an not noticing what I had was who I use to be. My oldest daughter isn’t around me as much as my youngest, I love them both very much, even though me an my youngest have a bond that is unbearable to break from everything we have went through together so far. An even though giving birth to my Beautiful Kel Bell may have caused trauma to my body an kicked a lot of this in I would never take it back because this little girl is my traumatic Blessing .
By: Melody Whittinghill