“Normal” Envy

Hi Everyone! My name is Tabitha McKendry and I’m a new contributor for this site. This is my first post and one of the first times that I have written for a web zine, so bear with me please! I just wanted to say a little about the envy of “normal” people. You know, the people that wake up in the morning, refreshed and ready to go for the day, put in a full day’s work, go to the gym, come home, make dinner or go out for the evening, kick up their heels, dance, have a good time, clean their houses top to bottom and keep going like the Energizer bunny. Then they go to bed, actually FALL ASLEEP on their own and wake up and do it all over again! I must say that I for one am VERY envious of “normal” people. I used to be one of them, but it seems like a lifetime ago. Now, dragging myself out of bed in the morning is a full on issue. I can’t just “leap” out of bed, I have to roll out in slow motion (which makes for a fun time when I really have to pee!) then go through the morning routine with my children, whom themselves are not morning people either. By the time they leave for school, a great reserve of my energy is already gone. I then force myself into the shower, which is supposed to be refreshing, but if you are a chronic pain sufferer, you understand that it isn’t always particularly refreshing at all. Afterwards, I usually have to lie down on the bed for a minute or two because showering is exhausting. I push my way through my daily activities, often finding myself having to take many mini breaks. By the time the kids get home from school, I’m usually pretty worn out from trying to do the things that need to be done in a normal day, such as housework (which is a WHOLE other story!) I force myself to make them something to eat and to listen to how their days were, help with homework, etc. My husband works until 7 pm, so I don’t make the “big” dinner until it’s time for him to get home. By this time, my tank is depleted. I have to use any spare reserve that I may have, which is usually teensy weensy, to try to be a “normal” mother and wife that I so desperately want to be. I listen to how his day has gone while refereeing my children’s many, many fights and balancing dinner clean up, bath times and the inevitable bed time stalling, arguing and whining. I fall face first into bed at night, so exhausted and miserably in pain that I’m almost in tears, only to lie awake and stare at the clock most of the night. Then the sun rises and my day repeats. I find myself looking in awe of “normal” people, how they don’t have to sit and take breaks. I know that their lives aren’t all sunshine and rainbows, no one’s life is. But life would be SO much easier if I didn’t live in constant pain from roots of my hair to my toenails. I don’t mean to sound whiny and like a complainer. I know that there are many, many people way worse off than I am. I consider myself blessed because I have so many things that many other people do not have, such as an incredibly supportive husband that actually understands my pain and does anything and everything to help me. But I think “normal” people envy is a totally “normal” thing. Any fellow fibro fighterz have “normal” people envy? Comment and let me know how you deal with day to day life while running on empty. Would appreciate all the hints and tips that anyone can give! Gentle hugs to all, hope everyone has a great day 🙂

Advertisements

9 comments

  1. Very well written!! I agree with you 100%!! However, I don’t have kids, so I don’t know how you do it!! I’m very envious of you! Being able to have a family & trying your best to be there for them. Chronic pain always leaves us with something we want or wish we could do more of. I empathize with you & wish you all the best! ❤

    1. Thank you!!! That’s incredibly sweet of you to say!! You made my day! My kids are 10 and 8 now, so I’m not sure if it’s getting easier or harder. In some ways, easier because they are more independent. They can bath themselves and dress themselves, I don’t have to do as much for them. However, it’s harder because they want to do more things and can’t quite understand that mommy just doesn’t have it in me sometimes to go do everything. It aggravates me that I have to plan so much for everything we do. Like we went to Kennywood a few weeks ago, so I had to be sure that I didn’t do much physically in the days before so that I would be somewhat rested to go and I couldn’t do much for days after because it took so much out of me spending the day walking around and riding rides. It drives me crazy not being able to just jump up and do what I want! Thank you again for your kind words, it means alot ❤ ❤

      1. You’re VERY welcome!! As many of the other’s said THANK YOU for your honesty! You wrote what A LOT of us think & feel but can’t put the words to it. We all may be in different situations, but in the end we all suffer from the same disease or condition. Just remember, YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH to do what you need to do. Don’t let this disease wear you down. NEVER give up HOPE!! You’re stronger than you think you are. Look at how far you’ve already came!! Your boys will one day realize how hard it was for you. So in the mean time, don’t come down on yourself too hard. We all know we can’t do what we want, when we want to do it. Just do what you can & be proud you did it!!

        ❤ & *HUGS*
        Kate

  2. Bravo for expressing how we feel about “normal envy”. I understand and can relate to your whole day. My children are now grown but I can remember the struggle with raising them and being in pain and exhaustion. I have envy so much these days, with the social networking of facebook I can see all the trips, the girls nights out, the picnics, the beach, the hiking, the fun, fun , fun. I want to be happy for them but inside I always wonder why? Why can’t I be allowed to do those things? I know you understand. Like you it is a major deal for me to just do the household chores let alone adding other things for fun afterwards. I am still young and never imagined my life turning out like this. You write from your heart and it has touches mine. Thank you so much for your honesty.

    1. Thank you Brenda! I understand your feelings 100%! I find myself watching others, trying to remember what it was like to be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Like you, I try to feel happy for them, but I wonder “WHY ME?!” I was so upset the other night, crying to my husband, asking him what I ever did to deserve this. Sometimes the pain and exhaustion feel like punishment! Where did I go wrong to have to suffer like this? Why does everyone else get to be able to live their lives with non stop energy while I have to lay down to rest after taking a shower? I’m so thankful that I have my husband. He is so understanding. He has been through this with me every step of the way. He works 12 hours a day, 5 days a week and usually Saturdays for sometimes 8 or 10, yet he comes home and helps with the kids and does anything that I need. And I can be a downright horrible person to live with, especially when I have had insomnia for awhile. I can be mean and nasty and I know that sometimes I hurt him by taking things out on him when he is the one person that I should never be horrible with. I don’t know where I would be without him, he is my crutch 100%. I appreciate your comments alot and hope that we can get to know each other on here and be there to support each other through this living hell that we face daily.

    2. I can completely relate to all here!! I still have 2 teenagers at home and 2 that are grown! I do the best I can to “be there” for them, not only physically, but emotionally as well. Problem is, with the exhaustion, pain, sleep deprivation & fibro fog, I forget school activities, Dr.’s appointments, social obligations, etc. I would love to go and do at free will, but I am trapped in my own body! The one thing I have done for myself is resting all day the day prior to wanting to do something! Then, the next day I go out and pretend I am normal! If necessary, take a pain pill to get me through. Then spend the next 2 or 3 days down and out! People that don’t see me in my daily life ask me “how do you go riding (hubby and I have a harley) all day if you can’t work?” Little do they know what I go through before and after so that I can have one day here or there to try to feel “normal” again! Thanks so much to all of you for sharing your stories! I wish none of us had to suffer, however.. it helps knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this!

  3. Wow, I can definitely relate to each word you have written. It’s almost like reading my own life’s story through the eyes of another! I’m so sorry that you too are living with this chronic illness called fibromyalgia! My heart goes out to you and it brings tears to my eyes because I can understand your pain and heartache. Gentle hugs to you and I will never stop praying for a cure!

  4. Thank you Kay! My heart goes out to you also. Sometimes I’m not sure which is worse, the physical pain or the emotional. They go hand in hand. The physical pain takes everything out of you and the emotional pain, wishing you could be more and do more, takes everything else out of you. There are so many things I would like to do. The list is a mile long. I roll out of bed in the morning, determined that today will be different. Today will be the day that I will get something accomplished. Then by early afternoon, I have given up already and tell myself “Tomorrow will be different” as I lay on the couch consumed with guilt over being sick, wishing to God that I could do what everyone else does. Everyone that doesn’t understand assumes that I am just lazy. I want to scream “DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT TO LAY ON COUCH AND WATCH MY LIFE PASS ME BY?! DO YOU THINK IT IS FUN FOR ME TO HAVE TO MISS PARTIES AND SOCIAL EVENTS BECAUSE I CAN BARELY WALK?! DO YOU THINK I ENJOY HAVING A MESSY HOUSE THAT I PHYSICALLY CAN’T BEAR TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT?!” Sorry, I get a little frustrated. Ok, alot frustrated. I try to never let myself give up because of my husband and kids, but sometimes it takes sheer force to keep myself going and make it through another day. Gentle hugs to you also. I am here if you ever need to vent or cry, I will gladly listen and understand your pain.

  5. I have normal envy too!! Glad to hear I’m not the only one. Sometimes my envy turns to anger since I once was “normal” and miss those days. What I would give for a pain free day and a full nights sleep!! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s